i honestly dont really know how to start out this post so i guess i'll just get right into it...
i dont really know why but seeing/hearing my close friend from school come out to me as agender and panromantic was really ... strange. not because i dont like those but because i really never came out? and it never occurred to me that i shouldve ... or was supposed to for that matter.
i never felt the need to "come out" because it was always so normal for me, i assumed that everyone else probably caught onto it.
ever since like around 2008~2009, i started to set into the identity of agender (without knowing the actual name of it) and i even created a fake little "persona" of being a young boy prince just like the little 5 centimeter prince in katamari who i mainly got the inspiration from.. i think i got really comfortable with it because i felt like i saw more of myself in him than anyone else. when i was in those years (up to freshmen year, actually) i always dressed more "tomboy"-ish and (for that age) my voice was considerably low and people would always mistake me for a boy and/or my brother over the phone. also, even now, some people say that my voice is a tiny bit low... not many people but still, some people say that.. anyways! i would basically in my mind act like a "boy" but then be a girl and i never really wanted to act more ~girly like my stepmother and stepsister would want me too and i was really okay with that! i was just "different" to them. and then in freshmen year, it hit me that i should probably try to put more effort into my appearance seeing as i actually had friends so, i did a haul of clothes and bought loads of clothes that seemed feminine to me. and i honestly had no sense of fashion back then so my outfits were extremely tragic and kind of a clusterfuck of bright colors that didnt really match but, they looked feminine so i thought it was okay....
fast forward to 2014, and i now have (what i like to believe to be) a really great sense of style and i start to dress both masculine and feminine (but mainly fem) and when i learned about the term "agendered" i was so happy! i finally felt like i was something but, i never told anyone. not really because i was afraid or anything.. i just felt like if they didnt ask, they didnt need to really know. and, like i mentioned before, i thought it was very obvious that i wasnt really like... ~a gal or a boy~ ..
and honestly i would get into detail about the fact that i identify as grey asexual but, there truly isnt anything to get into detail too. i just never really felt like i liked boys or girls i didnt like anyone and when i did it was basically "i really like how they look but i could never see myself being with them but they look really attractive" and thats all i thought was meant of crushes/like and the idea of having sex is so...not something i would do? i cannot see myself doing it and i never wished for a celebrity to do it with me and overall i just felt no sort of sexual attraction to anybody at all but i know for sure that if it was someone that i really really loved and trusted and felt that sort of connection with, i'd for sure do whatever. no matter how unreal it seemed to be in my mind, if its what they want then i know i'd be willing to do it because i'd make them happy.. and thats all that really matters.
ive always seen myself as this and i cant think of myself not like this and im very happy with this sexual orientation. i really dont even know how to really describe this but, yeah. ive just always felt like that, its normal & comfortable & natural.
as a result of these two things ive created a different identity for myself in a story that i wrote for class and ive just stuck with it because its a very interesting concept..
seeing that not only is my identity and sexual orientation "not normal", i decided to call myself an alien (and ive always felt like one anyways) ive always felt very different and never on the same page as everyone else -- not even in the same book to be honest....
but yeah i read like half of this book called "Soul Dust" and its basically about the consciousness and the author proposed a concept of the inhabitants in the andromedan galaxy dont have something called a qualia (subjectivity) and qualia is basically the building blocks of the consciousness, its really, really important for the human consciousness and then -- thats when it hit me!!!! i am clearly not of this earth and the reason why i am so Not In Tune with everyone else is because i am from a different place i came from this other planet (that i cleverly named Aqualia) and on that planet they dont really need to have sex and they also dont have bodies so, they couldnt if they wanted too. they were sort of tangible beings that give off a subtle glow but they aren't a definite shape and they don't really have a language and they dont have any sort of subjectivity so opinions were kind of useless and they never really talked because .. there was no need too... without a need to express any sort of opinion or .. any sort of personality/creativity, there was no need to talk that much.. i was a bit different. on that planet, i had questions about life on earth and its really hard for me to get back to my real homeplanet.
i know thats not really how things turned out, but it makes me feel warmer that things coulda went like that...maybe..
